how to live stress-free with a toddler

It's kind of an oxymoron, really.  Living stress-free with a toddler.  

But in all honesty, I would consider myself a (mostly) happy and patient parent.  People comment on my laid back parenting nature and wonder how I accomplish this.  I did too, so I sat down and thought about some of my most tried and true methods to approaching the terrible twos.  

My toddler is what some would call insane.  If I didn't have a particular way of dealing with Patrick I'd surely be in the Looney Bin.  So, the following are my ways of handling the mass chaos that I have thrown at me every three minutes of every single day.

*Side note:  This is not for certain parents.  You know, those with children that behave.  You can take them to a restaurant and they stay in the seat. You can take your children to church and they look at books.  They cling to your leg.  They love you.  

*Second side note:  I'm not a psychologist.  I'm just a mom trying to avoid being jailed for throwing my kid out the window, and I'm here to help you avoid that as well.

Without further ado...

1.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Toddlers are going to climb onto your entertainment centers, they're going to slam doors multiple times a day, they're going to break their crib springs from jumping so high, they're going to "help" but actually dump the entire bottle of vanilla into the mixer.  Our favorite saying these days is "it was an accident."

That's the small stuff.  It really is.  The big stuff is where you make your mark.  Dangerous things like eating Tide soap packets or when they run to the next room with metal tongs in their mouth.  That's where you hammer down.

2.  Don't expect too much.  Toddlers are learning constantly, they don't see things from your point of view.  If it's time to leave because you have to go to work, a toddler doesn't give a crap that they need to put their shoes on.  They will run away because it's much more fun.  This is where I let it go, this is where I give up.  I have two options:  completely let it go and play "Run & Chase" for three minutes.  We only live once, just chill out,  play and laugh along.  The other option is to give up and try in another few minutes.  I'm not going to be able to bend Patrick's body any longer just to get those stupid shoes on.  He's too strong and it's not worth it.  Try again later.

3.  Be consistent with rules and always follow through.  In my opinion, this is one of the hardest parts about parenting.  The very things that make life easier (froot loops while grocery shopping) are the same things that make life harder (no Dora before bed = no relaxing for Mom and Dad).  There has to be rules and there has to be consequences.  Simplicity is the key word here.  A toddler doesn't understand that you worked for a half hour folding clothes so you shouldn't throw them across the room.  They have to be reminded over and over...and over.

Which brings us to...Don't Ask.  Tell.  It drives me nuts when I hear people say to their toddler, "You want to change your diaper?"  Of course they don't want to!  Tell them!  "We are changing your diaper."  However it's nice to give them straightforward choices when you can.  Patrick loves to choose which juice he wants or what game we'll play next.

4.  Stop saying "No" and start saying "Yes."  Now there are obviously times when saying No is unavoidable, but if we say it too much it can be ineffective.  Instead, try distracting them with a positive.  If they're climbing on the table grabbing your beautiful tulips and tearing them into pieces, distract them by saying "Let's get out of here, I can see you're really antsy.  Want to go to grandpa's farm/get the mail/feed the cats/build a fort?"  Tell them what they can do.

Something else I make a concerted effort to do is to say Yes when Patrick asks me to play.  Even if I'm in the middle of changing Connor's diaper or I just started unloading the dishwasher, if Patrick says Let's play letters!  or Let's go cook in the play kitchen!  I drop whatever I'm doing (strap Connor somewhere safe) and go do it.  Literally, this activity will be boring for him in four minutes so it doesn't take much time.  You'll be happier, they'll be happier.  Just say Yes.

5.  Let them get their feelings out.  My automatic reaction to Patrick screaming and pointing "NO MOM!  THAT'S NOT NICE TO ME!" is to yell back "IT ACTUALLY WAS NICE BECAUSE YOU COULD STAB YOURSELF IN THE LEG WITH THOSE KITCHEN SHEARERS." 

Yelling back doesn't work.  He needs to be mad, he needs to yell and he needs to point.  I let him get it all out and tell him that I understand he wants to play with them, but they're like knives and could make him bleed.  Or whatever else I can come up with to scare the living daylights out of him.

6.  Give them lots of love.  So many times when Patrick misbehaves I truly believe he just wants attention.  I try to hug and squeeze and tickle and laugh with him as much as possible.  Try to be an enjoyable, comforting, patient place for your toddler to grow and learn.  After all, they want you to be there.  Not someone else.

7.  Drink.  There are bad days.  Really, really bad days.  Days where I just need to look forward to having a beer after mine and Connor's 4 o'clock nursing session.  It takes the edge off, even if it's just one.  Your inner voice will say "Oh yes, I am an adult, I almost forgot!"  So have a beer.  Have a glass of wine.  And remember that there are thousands of other people living with toddlers and going through the exact same things as you are.

*A third side note:  Remember - this post was not about getting your toddler to behave.  I don't know how to do that.  I just know how to live with them.