sometimes it's just too much.

Hey guys.

I'm feeling like an emotional wreck this morning.

The boys were dropped off at the new babysitter this morning and I'm feeling all kinds of horrible.

I'm going to be taking them there once or twice a week this month because time is a bitch summer is winding down and the start of school is fast approaching.  My goal is to get them back in the groove, to get them used to seeing other people, playing with other kids.  Whatever, let's face it.  I have a crap ton to do for work.  And I just don't feel like it.

We also have things left to do for the upstairs renovation.  Every night gets worse - the boys are waking each other up, Patrick is uncomfortable in his crib, he's having bad dreams, etc.  So today isn't just for school, but for finalizing things for his new room.  This morning I got the second coat of paint on his new twin bed, watered the flowers, and ate two bowls of cereal that are not compliant with my Whole30 diet.  I was doing so well.  Stupid emotions.

The point is that instead of continuing to work I sat down to the computer and started to read.  What I really wanted was a distraction from the guilt I feel every single second for taking the boys somewhere else.  Somewhere that Patrick says he doesn't want to go (even though it's a wonderful place), somewhere he says he's "sick of going" (even though he's only gone twice), somewhere that his mother is not going to be.  At nap time he will cry and say he misses me.

Seriously, it's too much to handle.

Why do I have to work?  Why must my children's emotions be so intertwined with my own that I can physically feel their grief and upset?  Why must I love these people so much that I worry about losing them on a daily basis?  Sometimes it's just too much.  It's too much to handle.

So I just sit here and cry.  And cry.  And cry.

Back to my reading.  Did you hear about Sarah Hawkins?  A mother of four (and one on the way) passed away a few nights ago unexpectedly.  She was stung by a swarm of what they believe were yellow jackets.  She developed an infection which led to a brain aneurysm that killed her and her unborn daughter.

WHY?

And then there's Jacqui.  I still haven't had the guts to comment on a post or to send her a letter but I want to to so bad.

I checked up on her blog and continued to cry myself into an oblivion.

Cloudy day, my boys are playing somewhere else, my allergies have me stuffed and sniffling and sneezing.

Time for a bubble bath.  Then I'll get back to work - I promise.  Or maybe I'll just go pick up my boys and try it another day...