the five moms of the waterpark

 

In between throwing out profanities under my breath (the hot ground) and making sure my child didn't drown, I was able to scope out some of the Moms at our local waterpark.  As I was reflecting ever-so-reverently in bed after my evening prayers that night, I decided these Moms distinctly fit into five different categories. 

1.  The Hipster Mom

This Mom is rad to the bone.  She wears a bikini regardless of her body type (which I find awesome) and it's usually some kind of pattern or full of color.  She's sporting like three or four tatoos, an iPhone blasting Guns n' Roses, and a killer tan. 




2.  The All-American Mom

The All-American Mom is a freaking hottie, even after three kids.  She doesn't want her boobs falling out whilst chasing her children so she chooses a tankini, but it's a great color for her skin type.  She pairs it with a fabulous pair of Aviators that accent her perfectly angled bob.  And for some reason, her husband is a complete dork.  (Probably makes six figures though)


3.  The Moo Moo Mom

You know who you are.  You're afraid to show the cellulite that traveled in with your babies.  You're also afraid to wear any other color than black because it's slimming.  You're hair is slicked back in a ponytail from the night before and you're paler than the moon.  Alright girlfriend - we need to have a talk.  I know, you're so worried about making sure your kid looks cute that you don't have any time for you.  So she's in a sundress and flower headband, you're in gray sweats and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt. 

Let me make a hundred few suggestions.  First, go get a pedicure.  You'll feel amazing and you'll want to show them off with some new strappy sandals.  That will lead to a new haircut - just chop it off and go for a pixie.  It will be easy to do in the morning and you'll look incredible.  Third, get a new bathing suit.  Seriously, we understand if you hate your thighs.  So does every other mother on the planet.  Get out there and make an impression.



4.  The Pregnant Mom

So under normal circumstances, I would obviously fall under this category.  Unfortunately, people cannot tell that I'm pregnant so I'm really just a Moo Moo wearing a maternity suit.  It sucks.

But for those of you pregos perfectly endowed with the 32-week basketball-bump (and there are a lot of you - it's like you can't be at the toddler section of a waterpark without having a 2nd or 3rd or 4th on the way), flaunt it.  I love the suits you have chosen - they're colorful and flattering.  I know you all want to be in a two-piece because it's more comfortable and I think you should go for it.  Who cares if some people are scared of pregnant bellies and all their popping belly button glory.




5.  The Old(er) Mom

There aren't too many of you in the toddler section, but you stand out if you're there.  First of all, congratulations - I'd kill myself before raising my 21-month-old at age 40.  There's something really compassionate about you.  Weather it was that you chose your career over kids for a while, or you just didn't find Mr. Right until you were in line at C.J. Banks, you're really into being an appreciative Mom and I love it.

It sort of sucks because you're still rocking a flat torso but you choose to cover it up.  Your tankini is usually black but I've seen it in royal blue and purple too.  Gross?  May I suggest a bandeau top in peach and a bottom in black?  Go for it.




{I'm sure I missed some of you Moms out there, but I'm looking forward to finding you and making up crazy stories about you.}